The past few weeks have been some of the toughest I have had in a very long time. Everything just seemed to hit me at once, within a couple of days, making it very hard to know what to do and where to turn. To give you a quick summary within the space of 3 day, my sister had been rushed into hospital in the back of an ambulance with bacterial meningitis, my cat die, my boyfriend said he no longer loved me and my mental health severely deteriorated.
I didn’t know what to do, within a few days my life had been completely turned upside down, i didn’t know if my sister was going to survive and I wasn’t able to see her because she was In isolation alongside both of my parents. I really tried to keep strong for the family more than myself, from the outside I was the only one who was holding the family together and keeping them positive. I was very good at putting up this front and I managed to fool everyone. But deep down my mental health was spiralling out of control again, and I felt like I couldn’t do anything about it. I was too afraid to tell anyone because there was already so much going on and I didn’t want to burden them with something else.
Thankfully after a week my sister began to recover, they gave her a proper diagnosis and they began to properly treat her. But just as she began to get better I could no longer keep up this ‘act’ I had been putting on of being happy and healthy and my parents realised that I wasn’t okay.
I have contemplated suicide a few times in my life, but I have never planned it to the degree that I had this time. I really wanted to do it. The only thing that was stopping me was the chance that it wouldn’t work, I didn’t care about the pain id have to endure. I just wanted it to work, I just wanted everything to be over.
I finally went to the doctors today and they have booked me in for a psychiatric assessment to review my diagnosis and medication. I really hope they are able to help so I can begin to properly recover and so I no longer feel so alone and in the dark. I want my life back and I want the happy and bubbly Rachel to return.