Sleepless nights

1am

What is my purpose in life?

This is often the though that keeps me wide awake into the early hours of the morning and no matter how hard I try to reassure myself that everything is going to be okay the thoughts won’t go.  I’m 18 years old, how am I expected to know what I want do with my life?  In school we are pressured into going to uni and if you don’t go you are looked down upon because my school doesn’t believe that there are any alternatives.  So in their eyes I am a failure and they aren’t willing to help me or advise me with other paths that I could’ve taken.  I am now alone and I have to find my own way in the big wide world.

 

2am 

Why am I never good enough?

In every aspect of life no matter how big or little it is, we as a society always focus on the negatives.  Its pretty upsetting when you think of it. Imagine this, you have just got a test back and you got 88%, which is an A*, but instead of getting congratulated your parents and teacher just criticise you and tell you how you should improve next time and mock you for making a silly mistake.  No wonder we are growing where mental health and low self esteem is affecting more and more people each day.  Until society changes nothing will get better.  But of course when you are doubting yourself ,you won’t think of this.  You will just put yourself down and you will make yourself feel like you are a failure.

 

3am 

Why doesn’t he love me?

When I am in a relationship I give the person I am with my all.   Often treating them a lot better than I treat myself.  Which looking back in hindsight I know is very wrong, because the only person who has ever truly got your back is yourself. Sadly my partner usually doesn’t feel the same and I am always the one who ends up blaming myself .  Even though deep down I know I did everything I could and even more to make that person feel loved and special.  But I still always feel like it is my fault because they didn’t want ME, they didn’t love ME, I’m not good enough for them.

 

4am

If I lost a little bit more weight and hit the gym more then society would accept me more?

I am 5ft 6 and I weigh 51kg,  by no means am I saying that I am fat but I’m not saying I’m skinny either.  I want to have longer legs, a bigger bum, a smaller waist, a flatter stomach, bigger boobs, smaller arms and the list goes on and on.  But where did I get all of these ideas from? What corrupted my mind? SOCIAL MEDIA is the culprit!  Day in day out we are seeing models who post these ‘perfect’ pictures of their ‘perfect’ life on Instagram.  But what they don’t show us are the regimented life style behind these photos, they don’t show us how the original photo compared to the edited one that has been posted and they defiantly don’t show us them of the bad days.  Because who is going to post a picture of themselves at 11pm crying their eyes out because they’ve been told they are too fat or aren’t pretty enough.

 

5am 

I WANT TO SLEEP BUT MY MIND IS GOING AT 1000 MILES PER HOUR AND IT WONT STOP.

 

6am 

Your alarm is set for 6.30, is their even any point in going to sleep anymore?

Well done Rachel, you let your mind f*ck you over once again.

Can’t you see how weak you are now?

You are pathetic.

 

 

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