Next year

Next year I am saying goodbye to you for good, not physically as I did that a long time ago, but mentally. From the moment I met you I was warned by many that you weren’t good news, but I fell for you so hard that you were all I cared about.

I will say goodbye to the hours of sleep I lost over you, the thousands of tears I cried and hopefully find myself again.  The person I was before you took over my life and corrupted me.

Deep down I knew you were never good for me.  You made me feel like a burden, like I wasn’t worthy of any attention or love.  But I still loved you, because I thought you loved me.  I thought that as long as we were together then everything would be fine.  But I wasn’t.

Next year, I will stop missing you because it should be you who is missing me and I know one day you will.  But by then it will be to late.  I have finally realised my worth.

I will say hello to me being the priority. I will welcome a new beginning, a new me, with open arms.

Next year is my year, I will become the best person I can be and I will be happy.

So thank you, I guess, for all of the heart break, pain and sleepless nights because without all of that suffering I wouldn’t be as strong as I am today.

Im ready to take on the world.

 

heart pink

 

A heart of stone

Love, everyone wants to be loved.  I know when I was younger it was all i dreamed about and I was so jealous of people who had found ‘the one’.  But sadly as I have grown up, love is what has destroyed me.  Once upon a time I was an open hearted, bubbly, very naive individual who had so much love to give.  Now I am cold, sad and a lot wiser than that stupid young girl.

I feel like he came into my life; told me everything I wanted to hear, manipulated me, drained me of all my love and then left.  He left me empty and feeling the most vulnerable I had ever felt, but of course he knew this, yet he still didn’t care.  I guess he just thought it was a bit of fun and I was an easy target.  One day he will realise what he lost, well I hope he does, and there is way of turning back time.

As hard as this has hit me, it has made me realise that I need to focus on myself.  I will be the only person on this planet who truly has my back, no matter what.  I need to learn to love myself, be selfish and to say no without feeing bad.

People may perceive me to have a heart of stone but if they are patient and slowly break down the stone wall covering my heart, then they will see the true me.  The me that would do anything for the person I love. heatrt

How one person changed my life…

I never believed in love at sight before I met.  Initially it was your cheeky smile, gorgeous blue eyes and dark brown hair that got me.  You were tall, dark and handsome, what more can a girl wish for? But then I got to know you and straight away I knew you we’re different. We connected on an emotional level and right away we were both on the same page.

No one had ever understood me like you did and after a few weeks of talking to you I felt like we’d known each other for years. You were the first person I ever opened up to and from that day on you have supported me no matter what. Whether it was 3 am in the morning and you had to be up for work at 7, you would talk to me until I’d fall back to sleep so you knew I was okay and safe.

Without you I honestly don’t think I’d be here.  You changed my life and you gave me the hope and strength to keep fighting, even on the hardest days.

Thank you J, I love you x

I survived him and so will you!

“shut the f*ck up you ugly b*tch”images-2

“if you dare speak to them again I will kill use both

“you’re worthless Rachel, nobody cares about you”

“without me you have nobody, so you’d better do what I say”

These are just a few things that my ex boyfriend said to me, I was only 16 years old and it was my first relationship.  He told me he loved me and I thought I loved him too. At the time and for many months after I blamed myself for what happened. I had been completely brainwashed and sadly I thought this was completely ‘normal’ , whatever normal actually is.

It all began in the summer of 2015,  I was young and very naive.  I met a boy and I fell for him almost instantly.   It was sweet at the beginning and we were both happy.  Until about a month in when he started to become paranoid that I was cheating on him, which I obviously wasn’t.  He would constantly check up on me and ask me who I was talking to.  Whenever we saw each other he demanded to see my phone to see who I had been talking too and yes I had been talking to boys but only as mates.  But he didn’t see it like it.  He made me delete them all else he said he was breaking up with me.  I thought this was normal, so of course I did.   Then he started getting annoyed with me if I spoke to other boys in person and if I did he’d ignore me for hours and make me feel terrible so I  wouldn’t do it again.  Then he began to accuse me and my boy best friend, who I’ve known since I was 5,  of kissing in the back of the car because we occasionally shared car journeys even though our parents were always in the front of the car! Next I wasn’t allowed to talk to my friends and he told me off for using my phone too much, yet if I didn’t reply to him quickly enough he’d accuse me of doing something.  I became incredible isolated and he made me feel like I had no one but him so I had to do what he said and follow the rules he had made me.  I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone because if I did then id loose him and he’d made me feel like he was all I had.

My coping mechanism was hurting myself.  I became so so desperate, when it became really bad I did it every day.  It made me feel better about myself and it was all I could think about some days.  At the time I thought it was the only way to cope and the only way to release the pain.  I was so desperate but I tried to hide it, I just wanted to make him happy.  But whatever I did I couldn’t, it was like I was under a spell.  He called me all kind of names; a bitch, attention seeking, worthless, a waste of space,  fat, a slag, ugly,  boring and many other.  I just accepted that I was all of these things and that I didn’t have a future.  He told me that I should kill myself and that he wanted to kill himself because of me.  I just didn’t understand what I had done.  I became incredibly depressed and I didn’t leave the house.  I locked myself in my room for the whole of the summer of 2016 and pretty much every night  from April to September I cried myself to sleep, that’s if I ever did get to sleep. I was a wreck and I was fed up of living.   In May he told me that he was going to kill himself because of me, he sent me pictures of bottles of bleach and told me he’d drunk them. Then he didn’t reply to me for five hours  so I thought he had done it because he knew I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if he had.  Even though all he did was treat me like trash.  He never loved me, he didn’t want me, he wanted me as his property because he knew I was scared of him.  He grabbed me many a time and he watched me cry my eyes out while he would just sit there and laugh.  He never wanted to see me and then had a go at me for not putting in the effort.  I was just never good enough he told me I was a failure when I got my GCSE results and threatened me that if I went to a new school hed break up with me.  i had finally had enough of all the abuse he had given me and I told him I couldn’t do it anymore and he told me that if I ended it he would kill himself and he spammed my phone, accusing me of so much trying to make me feel guilty.

I finally plucked up the courage to end it.   I balled my eyes out that night and I told one of my friends that I had been self harming. She was the first person I had ever told.  It felt like a huge weight over my shoulders and it also made me want to stop because I was  embarrassed at the time.  But I’m not anymore.  I did it because I was in so much pain and I felt so guilty.  I hated myself and sometimes I felt nothing but emptiness and I just didn’t see any point to go on because I had no reason to.  I would never wish that feeling upon anyone.   Once I had ended it, I felt so relieved.  But it was incredibly difficult, I went from relying on one person to having no one, well that’s what I though.  Over time I began to realise what he had put me through and how stupid I had been. How much pain he had put me through and how many tears I had cried over him.  He had completely destroyed the person I was, the old Rachel was no longer there.  So I began to build my life back up again, step by step. It sounds ridiculous, but it was incredibly hard and I honestly didn’t think I would make it this far. He still messaged me and made me feel guilty, made me feel guilty about moving on but I wasn’t falling for any of his sh*t.  About a month or so after we had broken up I found out he had cheated on me with my old best friend.  This hurt so much and I couldn’t quite believe it.  I had always suspected something was going on, but she was my best friends and so I just tired my best to put it to the back of mind because I thought I was being stupid. But I wasn’t, it was true.  She knew how much he had hurt me, yet she still did it.

After so many months of pain I finally began to get my life back on track and I began to start living again instead of just surviving. I now appreciate the smaller things in life and I’ve learnt not to take things for granted.

I am now living for myself.