2019…

Happy New Year!  To be completely honest I am fed up of those three words,  yes it’s a new year but what has changed from 11:59 on 31st December to 12:01 on 1st January? Not a lot!

Congratulations you made it another year, yes that is significant but we should be congratulating ourselves every day, for making it another day.  We need to start being more grateful for the little things in life and making our goals realistic, as I believe that is the true key to happiness.

This year we need to work on ourselves, put our own happiness and needs first and aim to become the best version of ourselves.  It won’t be easy and you will have days where you doubt everything, but don’t be too hard on yourself, give yourself a day off and re-focus.

Do it for yourself, not for anyone else because you will only ever be able to truly rely on yourself.

2019.jpgYou are strong,

You are beautiful,

Keep fighting and have a little faith!

 

 

 

I am lost and confused and I no longer know where to turn.

I am a burden and I am unsure how much longer this can carry on.

I want a sign,

I need a sign that everything is going to be okay.

 

I am broken and upset and I no longer care.

I am heartless and I show now emotion because it hurts to much.

I want to be loved,

I need someone to help me feel again.

 

People suck,

Life sucks,

And I’m going to suck it up and keep fighting.

Because in the end it will be worth it,

It has to be.

Sleepless nights

1am

What is my purpose in life?

This is often the though that keeps me wide awake into the early hours of the morning and no matter how hard I try to reassure myself that everything is going to be okay the thoughts won’t go.  I’m 18 years old, how am I expected to know what I want do with my life?  In school we are pressured into going to uni and if you don’t go you are looked down upon because my school doesn’t believe that there are any alternatives.  So in their eyes I am a failure and they aren’t willing to help me or advise me with other paths that I could’ve taken.  I am now alone and I have to find my own way in the big wide world.

 

2am 

Why am I never good enough?

In every aspect of life no matter how big or little it is, we as a society always focus on the negatives.  Its pretty upsetting when you think of it. Imagine this, you have just got a test back and you got 88%, which is an A*, but instead of getting congratulated your parents and teacher just criticise you and tell you how you should improve next time and mock you for making a silly mistake.  No wonder we are growing where mental health and low self esteem is affecting more and more people each day.  Until society changes nothing will get better.  But of course when you are doubting yourself ,you won’t think of this.  You will just put yourself down and you will make yourself feel like you are a failure.

 

3am 

Why doesn’t he love me?

When I am in a relationship I give the person I am with my all.   Often treating them a lot better than I treat myself.  Which looking back in hindsight I know is very wrong, because the only person who has ever truly got your back is yourself. Sadly my partner usually doesn’t feel the same and I am always the one who ends up blaming myself .  Even though deep down I know I did everything I could and even more to make that person feel loved and special.  But I still always feel like it is my fault because they didn’t want ME, they didn’t love ME, I’m not good enough for them.

 

4am

If I lost a little bit more weight and hit the gym more then society would accept me more?

I am 5ft 6 and I weigh 51kg,  by no means am I saying that I am fat but I’m not saying I’m skinny either.  I want to have longer legs, a bigger bum, a smaller waist, a flatter stomach, bigger boobs, smaller arms and the list goes on and on.  But where did I get all of these ideas from? What corrupted my mind? SOCIAL MEDIA is the culprit!  Day in day out we are seeing models who post these ‘perfect’ pictures of their ‘perfect’ life on Instagram.  But what they don’t show us are the regimented life style behind these photos, they don’t show us how the original photo compared to the edited one that has been posted and they defiantly don’t show us them of the bad days.  Because who is going to post a picture of themselves at 11pm crying their eyes out because they’ve been told they are too fat or aren’t pretty enough.

 

5am 

I WANT TO SLEEP BUT MY MIND IS GOING AT 1000 MILES PER HOUR AND IT WONT STOP.

 

6am 

Your alarm is set for 6.30, is their even any point in going to sleep anymore?

Well done Rachel, you let your mind f*ck you over once again.

Can’t you see how weak you are now?

You are pathetic.

 

 

What’s been going on…

hope.jpg

The past few weeks have been some of the toughest I have had in a very long time.  Everything just seemed to hit me at once, within a couple of days, making it very hard to know what to do and where to turn. To give you a quick summary within the space of 3 day, my sister had been rushed into hospital in the back of an ambulance with bacterial meningitis, my cat die, my boyfriend said he no longer loved me and my mental health severely deteriorated.

I didn’t know what to do, within a few days my life had been completely turned upside down, i didn’t know if my sister was going to survive and I wasn’t able to see her because she was In isolation alongside both of my parents. I really tried to keep strong for the family more than myself, from the outside I was the only one who was holding the family together and keeping them positive.  I was very good at putting up this front and I managed to fool everyone.  But deep down my mental health was spiralling out of control again, and I felt like I couldn’t do anything about it.  I was too afraid to tell anyone because there was already so much going on and I didn’t want to burden them with something else.

Thankfully after a week my sister began to recover, they gave her a proper diagnosis and they began to properly treat her. But just as she began to get better I could no longer keep up this ‘act’ I had been putting on of being happy and healthy and my parents realised that I wasn’t okay.

I have contemplated suicide a few times in my life, but I have never planned it to the degree that I had this time.  I really wanted to do it.  The only thing that was stopping me was the chance that it wouldn’t work,  I didn’t care about the pain id have to endure.  I just wanted it to work, I just wanted everything to be over.

I finally  went to the doctors today and they have booked me in for a psychiatric assessment to review my diagnosis and medication.  I really hope they are able to help so I can begin to properly recover and so I no longer feel so alone and in the dark. I want my life back and I want the happy and bubbly Rachel to return.

The Spoon theory

spoon theory

The spoon theory helps to explain the amount of energy used by someone with a chronic physical or mental illness.  Every person has a certain amount of spoons and every task or activity that you complete will ‘cost’ you a certain amount of spoons.

A healthy person has an unlimited amount of spoons, whereas an ill person has a limited amount, which can vary day to day. A person with a chronic illness does not get to choose the amount of spoons they are given.  One day they may wake up feeling great and have 15 spoons and the next day they may wake up feeling awful and only have 7 spoons. Every task costs a spoon, some may cost more than one.  For a health individual this is no problem, but for an ill person it can majorly limits what they can do and it often requires a lot more energy (spoons) for them to complete a ‘simple’ task.

This metaphor is a strange one, but it helps to illustrate how draining chronic physical and mental illnesses can be.  So the next time you see someone struggling, help them out and give them one of your spoons because you don’t know how few they have left.

Life

Life is test,
It isn’t meant to be easy.
You are tested everyday,
Over and over again.
The pain will consume you,
And you will think you have it under control,
But you don’t.
The devil in your head will never go,
But why let it win?
When no one comes out alive anyway?

How one person changed my life…

I never believed in love at sight before I met.  Initially it was your cheeky smile, gorgeous blue eyes and dark brown hair that got me.  You were tall, dark and handsome, what more can a girl wish for? But then I got to know you and straight away I knew you we’re different. We connected on an emotional level and right away we were both on the same page.

No one had ever understood me like you did and after a few weeks of talking to you I felt like we’d known each other for years. You were the first person I ever opened up to and from that day on you have supported me no matter what. Whether it was 3 am in the morning and you had to be up for work at 7, you would talk to me until I’d fall back to sleep so you knew I was okay and safe.

Without you I honestly don’t think I’d be here.  You changed my life and you gave me the hope and strength to keep fighting, even on the hardest days.

Thank you J, I love you x

“Im fine”

image

We cannot carry on like this.

We are no longer living.

We are just surviving, struggling to keep our head above the water

We need help, yet whenever someone asks how we are feeling we respond, “Im fine”.

We are now living in a world where someone takes their life every 40 seconds.  Thats 2,160 people killing themselves every single day.

We need to start asking questions, looking after the ones we love and supporting them even when they do tell us that they are fine.

We know deep down that they aren’t. They are slowly dying inside and they need us now more than ever. Even if it is just a text a day telling them that they are loved, or going and sitting with them for an hour.

We need to stop taking our mental health for granted,  because you will never truly understand how alone you can feel until you are in that position yourself.

We will get through this together because;

You are strong.

You are loved.

You have a purpose.

I believe in you, keep going xxx

 

 

A Letter To My 16 Year-Old Self…

I know that this is one of the most cliche and least original blog posts.   But everyones story is different and I believe it is important that we take time to reflect on the decisions and choices we made, even thought we may hate ourselves now for making them,  they have shaped us into the person we are today.

These two photos were taken in August two years apart.  Things will get better, you’ve just got to hang in there and have a little faith.

 

Dear 16 Year-Old me,

The next few years are going to be hard Rach and I don’t think anything I tell you now will prepare you for what you will go through.  But please trust me when I say this, I promise you that you will make, and everything that you SURVIVE will make you so much stronger.

School is going to be tough, people are going to be mean and you are going to feel incredibly hopeless and alone.  At the time the depression and anxiety will completely consume you and you will struggle to look ahead to the future, because it feels like a black hole has swallowed you up and there is no way out.  But you do have a future and it is so bright.  I know it is impossible to see right now but you are fighter and you manage to prove everyone wrong.  People will make fun of you and your scars and they will make fun of you for your failed attempt of suicide. They will taunt you and laugh about you behind your back and for the last few months of sixth from you will not go into school because you can no longer face them.  But despite all of this you make it through you’re a-levels and you somehow manage to pass them all even though you were told by your head of sixth form to drop out.  YOU DID IT GIRL!

You are kind and caring and sadly people will take advantage of that.  You will gain and loose many friends over the next few years and it’s going to be hard, you will be let down and betrayed a countless number of time by the people who you thought would be in your life forever. It will hurt but you are the bigger person, so move on and learn from it.

Do not let your mental health define you.  Yes, it is a part of you but you will not let it take control of your life.  The next few years are going to be tough, you will take a number of different anti-depressants, anti-anxiety and sleeping pills and you are still taking them now. But things are more stable now and you are slowly but surly finding ways to cope and to mange the bad days. Self-harm and suicide will be a big hurdle, that you will overcome.  Don’t be ashamed of your scars they are a part of you and your journey to becoming the person you are now.  Be proud of yourself for making it this far!

5 key things I wish I could tell my younger self;

  1. AlWAYS BE HUMBLE .
  2. Do not let you past define you.
  3. Never give up, no matter what the world throws at you.
  4. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else, you are perfect.
  5. Uniqueness is good, embrace standing out and don’t be afraid.

 

You are strong

You are kind

You are beautiful 

You have a purpose

 

Lots of Love

Rach (your 18 year-old self)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I survived him and so will you!

“shut the f*ck up you ugly b*tch”images-2

“if you dare speak to them again I will kill use both

“you’re worthless Rachel, nobody cares about you”

“without me you have nobody, so you’d better do what I say”

These are just a few things that my ex boyfriend said to me, I was only 16 years old and it was my first relationship.  He told me he loved me and I thought I loved him too. At the time and for many months after I blamed myself for what happened. I had been completely brainwashed and sadly I thought this was completely ‘normal’ , whatever normal actually is.

It all began in the summer of 2015,  I was young and very naive.  I met a boy and I fell for him almost instantly.   It was sweet at the beginning and we were both happy.  Until about a month in when he started to become paranoid that I was cheating on him, which I obviously wasn’t.  He would constantly check up on me and ask me who I was talking to.  Whenever we saw each other he demanded to see my phone to see who I had been talking too and yes I had been talking to boys but only as mates.  But he didn’t see it like it.  He made me delete them all else he said he was breaking up with me.  I thought this was normal, so of course I did.   Then he started getting annoyed with me if I spoke to other boys in person and if I did he’d ignore me for hours and make me feel terrible so I  wouldn’t do it again.  Then he began to accuse me and my boy best friend, who I’ve known since I was 5,  of kissing in the back of the car because we occasionally shared car journeys even though our parents were always in the front of the car! Next I wasn’t allowed to talk to my friends and he told me off for using my phone too much, yet if I didn’t reply to him quickly enough he’d accuse me of doing something.  I became incredible isolated and he made me feel like I had no one but him so I had to do what he said and follow the rules he had made me.  I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone because if I did then id loose him and he’d made me feel like he was all I had.

My coping mechanism was hurting myself.  I became so so desperate, when it became really bad I did it every day.  It made me feel better about myself and it was all I could think about some days.  At the time I thought it was the only way to cope and the only way to release the pain.  I was so desperate but I tried to hide it, I just wanted to make him happy.  But whatever I did I couldn’t, it was like I was under a spell.  He called me all kind of names; a bitch, attention seeking, worthless, a waste of space,  fat, a slag, ugly,  boring and many other.  I just accepted that I was all of these things and that I didn’t have a future.  He told me that I should kill myself and that he wanted to kill himself because of me.  I just didn’t understand what I had done.  I became incredibly depressed and I didn’t leave the house.  I locked myself in my room for the whole of the summer of 2016 and pretty much every night  from April to September I cried myself to sleep, that’s if I ever did get to sleep. I was a wreck and I was fed up of living.   In May he told me that he was going to kill himself because of me, he sent me pictures of bottles of bleach and told me he’d drunk them. Then he didn’t reply to me for five hours  so I thought he had done it because he knew I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if he had.  Even though all he did was treat me like trash.  He never loved me, he didn’t want me, he wanted me as his property because he knew I was scared of him.  He grabbed me many a time and he watched me cry my eyes out while he would just sit there and laugh.  He never wanted to see me and then had a go at me for not putting in the effort.  I was just never good enough he told me I was a failure when I got my GCSE results and threatened me that if I went to a new school hed break up with me.  i had finally had enough of all the abuse he had given me and I told him I couldn’t do it anymore and he told me that if I ended it he would kill himself and he spammed my phone, accusing me of so much trying to make me feel guilty.

I finally plucked up the courage to end it.   I balled my eyes out that night and I told one of my friends that I had been self harming. She was the first person I had ever told.  It felt like a huge weight over my shoulders and it also made me want to stop because I was  embarrassed at the time.  But I’m not anymore.  I did it because I was in so much pain and I felt so guilty.  I hated myself and sometimes I felt nothing but emptiness and I just didn’t see any point to go on because I had no reason to.  I would never wish that feeling upon anyone.   Once I had ended it, I felt so relieved.  But it was incredibly difficult, I went from relying on one person to having no one, well that’s what I though.  Over time I began to realise what he had put me through and how stupid I had been. How much pain he had put me through and how many tears I had cried over him.  He had completely destroyed the person I was, the old Rachel was no longer there.  So I began to build my life back up again, step by step. It sounds ridiculous, but it was incredibly hard and I honestly didn’t think I would make it this far. He still messaged me and made me feel guilty, made me feel guilty about moving on but I wasn’t falling for any of his sh*t.  About a month or so after we had broken up I found out he had cheated on me with my old best friend.  This hurt so much and I couldn’t quite believe it.  I had always suspected something was going on, but she was my best friends and so I just tired my best to put it to the back of mind because I thought I was being stupid. But I wasn’t, it was true.  She knew how much he had hurt me, yet she still did it.

After so many months of pain I finally began to get my life back on track and I began to start living again instead of just surviving. I now appreciate the smaller things in life and I’ve learnt not to take things for granted.

I am now living for myself.