Week 1: 2019

This year will be my year, I am going to do everything in my power to making it the best year yet.  I have so much to look forwards to and so many new adventures planned, I just need to have the courage to do the things that scare me.

January has always been a tough time of year for me, I find it very lonely and depressing after the Christmas hype.  Everyone is struggling for money, the weather is miserable and it gets dark at around about 3pm.  I feel motivated for a few days with my New Years resolutions and then I get bored or fed up of them.

This first week of the year has been a hard one, physically and mentally, as I had the flu over Christmas and my mental state is very low at the moment.  I have been sleeping for a minimum of 12 hours each night and I still wake up exhausted the next day and have to have a nap around 2pm.  My appetite has never been amazing, but since getting ill my anorexic mindset has returned and I am once again fighting this disorder which I thought I had conquered.

Even thought I have lacked motivation this week, I have managed to go to the gym twice which isn’t bad considering the way I’ve been feeling.  But I aspire and aim to go a minimum of four times a week, as I know this will adequately challenge me.

Not everything has been bad this week, and Im going to try to focus more on the positives so here are my top three things that have happened this week;

  1. My cousin got engaged on New Year’s Eve.
  2. I haven’t self harmed this year!
  3. I saw one of my best friend and we had a crazy night.

I really hope to post weekly on my blog and to keep track of my journey this year.  I hope everyone has had a fabulous for week to 2019, lots of love Rach xxx2019 2

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2019…

Happy New Year!  To be completely honest I am fed up of those three words,  yes it’s a new year but what has changed from 11:59 on 31st December to 12:01 on 1st January? Not a lot!

Congratulations you made it another year, yes that is significant but we should be congratulating ourselves every day, for making it another day.  We need to start being more grateful for the little things in life and making our goals realistic, as I believe that is the true key to happiness.

This year we need to work on ourselves, put our own happiness and needs first and aim to become the best version of ourselves.  It won’t be easy and you will have days where you doubt everything, but don’t be too hard on yourself, give yourself a day off and re-focus.

Do it for yourself, not for anyone else because you will only ever be able to truly rely on yourself.

2019.jpgYou are strong,

You are beautiful,

Keep fighting and have a little faith!

 

 

 

Next year

Next year I am saying goodbye to you for good, not physically as I did that a long time ago, but mentally. From the moment I met you I was warned by many that you weren’t good news, but I fell for you so hard that you were all I cared about.

I will say goodbye to the hours of sleep I lost over you, the thousands of tears I cried and hopefully find myself again.  The person I was before you took over my life and corrupted me.

Deep down I knew you were never good for me.  You made me feel like a burden, like I wasn’t worthy of any attention or love.  But I still loved you, because I thought you loved me.  I thought that as long as we were together then everything would be fine.  But I wasn’t.

Next year, I will stop missing you because it should be you who is missing me and I know one day you will.  But by then it will be to late.  I have finally realised my worth.

I will say hello to me being the priority. I will welcome a new beginning, a new me, with open arms.

Next year is my year, I will become the best person I can be and I will be happy.

So thank you, I guess, for all of the heart break, pain and sleepless nights because without all of that suffering I wouldn’t be as strong as I am today.

Im ready to take on the world.

 

heart pink

 

I am lost and confused and I no longer know where to turn.

I am a burden and I am unsure how much longer this can carry on.

I want a sign,

I need a sign that everything is going to be okay.

 

I am broken and upset and I no longer care.

I am heartless and I show now emotion because it hurts to much.

I want to be loved,

I need someone to help me feel again.

 

People suck,

Life sucks,

And I’m going to suck it up and keep fighting.

Because in the end it will be worth it,

It has to be.

A heart of stone

Love, everyone wants to be loved.  I know when I was younger it was all i dreamed about and I was so jealous of people who had found ‘the one’.  But sadly as I have grown up, love is what has destroyed me.  Once upon a time I was an open hearted, bubbly, very naive individual who had so much love to give.  Now I am cold, sad and a lot wiser than that stupid young girl.

I feel like he came into my life; told me everything I wanted to hear, manipulated me, drained me of all my love and then left.  He left me empty and feeling the most vulnerable I had ever felt, but of course he knew this, yet he still didn’t care.  I guess he just thought it was a bit of fun and I was an easy target.  One day he will realise what he lost, well I hope he does, and there is way of turning back time.

As hard as this has hit me, it has made me realise that I need to focus on myself.  I will be the only person on this planet who truly has my back, no matter what.  I need to learn to love myself, be selfish and to say no without feeing bad.

People may perceive me to have a heart of stone but if they are patient and slowly break down the stone wall covering my heart, then they will see the true me.  The me that would do anything for the person I love. heatrt

Sleepless nights

1am

What is my purpose in life?

This is often the though that keeps me wide awake into the early hours of the morning and no matter how hard I try to reassure myself that everything is going to be okay the thoughts won’t go.  I’m 18 years old, how am I expected to know what I want do with my life?  In school we are pressured into going to uni and if you don’t go you are looked down upon because my school doesn’t believe that there are any alternatives.  So in their eyes I am a failure and they aren’t willing to help me or advise me with other paths that I could’ve taken.  I am now alone and I have to find my own way in the big wide world.

 

2am 

Why am I never good enough?

In every aspect of life no matter how big or little it is, we as a society always focus on the negatives.  Its pretty upsetting when you think of it. Imagine this, you have just got a test back and you got 88%, which is an A*, but instead of getting congratulated your parents and teacher just criticise you and tell you how you should improve next time and mock you for making a silly mistake.  No wonder we are growing where mental health and low self esteem is affecting more and more people each day.  Until society changes nothing will get better.  But of course when you are doubting yourself ,you won’t think of this.  You will just put yourself down and you will make yourself feel like you are a failure.

 

3am 

Why doesn’t he love me?

When I am in a relationship I give the person I am with my all.   Often treating them a lot better than I treat myself.  Which looking back in hindsight I know is very wrong, because the only person who has ever truly got your back is yourself. Sadly my partner usually doesn’t feel the same and I am always the one who ends up blaming myself .  Even though deep down I know I did everything I could and even more to make that person feel loved and special.  But I still always feel like it is my fault because they didn’t want ME, they didn’t love ME, I’m not good enough for them.

 

4am

If I lost a little bit more weight and hit the gym more then society would accept me more?

I am 5ft 6 and I weigh 51kg,  by no means am I saying that I am fat but I’m not saying I’m skinny either.  I want to have longer legs, a bigger bum, a smaller waist, a flatter stomach, bigger boobs, smaller arms and the list goes on and on.  But where did I get all of these ideas from? What corrupted my mind? SOCIAL MEDIA is the culprit!  Day in day out we are seeing models who post these ‘perfect’ pictures of their ‘perfect’ life on Instagram.  But what they don’t show us are the regimented life style behind these photos, they don’t show us how the original photo compared to the edited one that has been posted and they defiantly don’t show us them of the bad days.  Because who is going to post a picture of themselves at 11pm crying their eyes out because they’ve been told they are too fat or aren’t pretty enough.

 

5am 

I WANT TO SLEEP BUT MY MIND IS GOING AT 1000 MILES PER HOUR AND IT WONT STOP.

 

6am 

Your alarm is set for 6.30, is their even any point in going to sleep anymore?

Well done Rachel, you let your mind f*ck you over once again.

Can’t you see how weak you are now?

You are pathetic.

 

 

What’s been going on…

hope.jpg

The past few weeks have been some of the toughest I have had in a very long time.  Everything just seemed to hit me at once, within a couple of days, making it very hard to know what to do and where to turn. To give you a quick summary within the space of 3 day, my sister had been rushed into hospital in the back of an ambulance with bacterial meningitis, my cat die, my boyfriend said he no longer loved me and my mental health severely deteriorated.

I didn’t know what to do, within a few days my life had been completely turned upside down, i didn’t know if my sister was going to survive and I wasn’t able to see her because she was In isolation alongside both of my parents. I really tried to keep strong for the family more than myself, from the outside I was the only one who was holding the family together and keeping them positive.  I was very good at putting up this front and I managed to fool everyone.  But deep down my mental health was spiralling out of control again, and I felt like I couldn’t do anything about it.  I was too afraid to tell anyone because there was already so much going on and I didn’t want to burden them with something else.

Thankfully after a week my sister began to recover, they gave her a proper diagnosis and they began to properly treat her. But just as she began to get better I could no longer keep up this ‘act’ I had been putting on of being happy and healthy and my parents realised that I wasn’t okay.

I have contemplated suicide a few times in my life, but I have never planned it to the degree that I had this time.  I really wanted to do it.  The only thing that was stopping me was the chance that it wouldn’t work,  I didn’t care about the pain id have to endure.  I just wanted it to work, I just wanted everything to be over.

I finally  went to the doctors today and they have booked me in for a psychiatric assessment to review my diagnosis and medication.  I really hope they are able to help so I can begin to properly recover and so I no longer feel so alone and in the dark. I want my life back and I want the happy and bubbly Rachel to return.